Is / Was

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July 09, 2003 - 10:54 a.m. -

Adventures in Online Dating

On the market yet again.

Are you tired of spending all your hard earned money on ungrateful bimbos? Well, dear sir (or sirs) your problem could be rectified with a single email. That's right, why bother with the so called "Beautiful People" when we all know that they all look the same in the dark.

Wont be single very much longer.
Gender:	Female
Looking for:	Just Dating
Marital Status:	Single
Hair:	Blonde hair
Eyes:	green eyes
Body Type:	5' 4'', Average
Smoking:	Doesn't smoke cigarettes
Drinking:	Drinks often
Kids:	No kids
Wants Kids:	doesn't want any
More about me: Are you looking for a wild and crazy beautiful young woman? Well the crazy part is right. Skier with hot tub preferable but would consider someone who likes to dance and fix things. Not serious, just dating. More about my match: A man that knows what he wants and isn't afraid to beg for it. Had to reinstate the No Loser Policy after the last one. So...If you happen to be a loser please do not respond. Thank you.

The Response

Meet Alan

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: alan
To: onthemarketyetagain
Subject: Re: Wont be single very much longer..
That is sooooo funny! If you are within 20 pounds of anorexic, let's marry!

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: onthemarketyetagain
To: alan
Subject: Re: Wont be single very much longer..
What's funny? My great uncle Darrel
Told me when I was 21 that he would crawl
From Ladora, Iowa to Washington State on his hands and knees if I got married because he did not believe there was a man stupid enough on the planet to marry me.. Are you stupid?

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: alan
To: onthemarketyetagain
Subject: Wrong question
The question is NOT the one you asked. You asked: "Are you stupid?" THE REAL QUESTION IS: "Are you stupid enough to marry me?" Yes. ;) I'm handsome, fit, literate, and highly educated. But all I need is for you
To squeal like a pig when told to. (Oh yeah, if you have read a book that would be good, too.)

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: onthemarketyetagain
To: alan
Subject: Re: Wrong question
Sorry, I'm not looking for a husband...just dating at the current moment and I never do what I'm told but I have been know to "squeal" on occasions. Not sure we would get along there bud.

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From:alan
To: onthemarketyetagain
Subject: #2
I admit I'm hoping for the frog-in
To-princess-thing. The last woman I dated who looked like you lied a bit about that process. After two years of kissing her, nothing transformational occurred... and I suppose I don't need to tell you which set of lips she set me to kissing.

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: onthemarketyetagain
To:alan
Subject: Re: #2
frog-into-princess-thing? How old are you? I think you need to be doubling up on the meds pal.

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From:alan
To: onthemarketyetagain
Subject: Re: Wrong question
If you give me your email I'll send a photo to show you that while I'm your age chronogically, due to a self-discipline in pursuit of mental and physical development, I have the wisdom of the ages packed into a youthful body.

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: onthemarketyetagain
To:alan
Subject: Re: Wrong question
My email address is ***@###.com but I really don't see the point as you are already pissing me off.

Subject:How can I "piss you off" when you don't know me????

I'm passionate passion nut. :)
Are you a "board" ho??? Is that Knotty?
Are you a boredout ho?
Or are you just a "bored" ho?

Subject: phantom rag day
I thought you were going
To send me pictures so I could see how attractive you are? but I'm telling you before I see them that I do not think we would get along.

Well, then I'm going to hide my face!

As well he should...

You are a fine stud all right. So what do you do for fun?

:) Spank sassy ladies ...

Indeed. Young man I think you are being most bold.

I AM bold ;)

Subject: love to hate
That is why you think we would "Not get along." You would love to hate me, and hate that you loved me. ;)

Get aload of that crap..

Wrong. I just don't think I'm your type... also I perfer hunky stupid construction guys.

Perfer, eh? Thawt huwlbulli tawk yer tryin' ta purfekt ain't reawlly plawzubel.

yea yea.. we just had a fire drill and I hit the send button.. Go to hell.

Send me a face or a body photo, please... Or, lordy, BOTH. ;)

I believe it would take the fun out of it so you are just going to have to guess

I can make you stupid with passion, and then you won't know how smart I am.

Stupid enough to marry you?... I think not.

Subject: You just have no idea. :)
You really do NOT know what you bumped into with me, and you ONLY "caught" me because of your outrageous ad.

There is NO man who is more fun, on any dimension, than am I.

None who are more stimulating, to EITHER end of your spine.

And once you were with me, you could hump your construction types all day long, and I would not care, because you WOULD be coming home to me.

That's the truth. ;)

It has been my experience that most men think they are the best thing since opposable thumbs, this (sad to say) is not the case. Rest assured that you would never be more than a walking talking dildo to me.

Actually, I just wanted to know who the heck would send such an ad.

I found a great person a while back and would not cheat on her, even though we are just starting out and she is still seeing other men once in a while.

So, good luck with your construction boys.

I would like to know the person who ran such a photo and such an ad. Very funny.

However, I AM an incredible ball of passion and sexual competence, but you won't ever know that if all works out.

Thanks for the laughs.

fair enough... although as this is my play ad.. I do not give out photos or personal information... but I'm sure if you would do the slightest bit of research you could find my real ad.

Just for the record, I currently am seeing someone as well .... just looking to supplement and/or upgrade.

I'm seriously fun, but seriously kinky.

I need a woman who can tolerate my intensity of conditioning body and mind, my wild, hot passion, both sexual and romantic, and the fact that I'm not happy unless I "own my own whore" who is loyal when I tell her, and endures gangbangs when I tell her to...

If I can possess her sexuality, then she can possess mine in the sense of my fidelity, but I'm "equal" or "dominant" in sex, always sensual and imaginative, but never submissive.

I give a lot, but, for the wrong person, "demand" a lot. For the right person, I'm a heaven of wit, intelligence, passion, and sex.

Christ

Since I find you intolerable online, I do not think it would change in real life there darlin.

I really do not "use" this medium, and so searching for your "real" ad would be possibly difficult -- do I look under the same age???

Since I'm a web neophyte, I would appreciate a clue. I only replied to yours because it was hilarious, and I immediately wanted to wine, dine, spank, and fuck the woman who put that ad up there.

Apparently you are not quite as smart as you think you are.

Subject: You just have no idea. :)

You can wish this to be true. :)

I have sat behind the whorehouse, smoking and reading, waiting for the hot twats to come to me to get some relief before going back to mock-groan for money -- just likes wives, but with more efficiency.

You just don't know.

I do know... and I am taking a pass on it bud.

As the walking, talking dildo... most men can't walk OR talk and be a dildo at the same time, so I feel complimented.

As for "supplement"...does he know you are supplementing, or would I have to be the "other man" again?

My partner is expecting "no supplementation" on my part, and even though we have not made a really permanent agreement, I would not "supplement" without her agreement.

I would like to see the real face of such a jokester, though.

Also, was your Steve-buddy [the photo you sent] a good fuck? If so, what made it actually good?

It is not meant to be a compliment..see I think you are really confused and/or stupid.

Does it really matter what I tell the current dumbass? No it does not.

I'm relatively sure you will never have to tell your partner about me as I do not plan on ever seeing you.

As I've said I do not send out personal information on the internet. What part of that did you not understand?

I did not "fuck" Steve so I would not know if he is good or not. Did you want me to set you up with him?

Subject: But how fun are you, really?

At least send me a photo of your smiling eyes...

You are so cute when you are incoherent with rage.

You have sent so many "not you" photos that I honestly really would like to know if those are your eyes. I DID like your humor quite a bit...

Those eyes are just too compelling. I don't think they can be yours anymore than the monkeyass was you...

well then we will leave him with the last word.

What you tell the "current dumbass?"
I'm sorry that you have not found a man you can respect, yet, after all these years.

What the Hell?

In our family, "Dumbass" is a term of endearment when applied to men. Now had I called him a "Stupid dumbass" ....

I have found plenty of men I can respect, however I do not respect them in the morning.

Subject:Respecting in the morning IS the only respect that counts....

Geez, woman, the best sex IS with a man that you respect "in the morning" AND that you respect YOURSELF for fucking.

This guy is unreal..

Oh really, has this been your experience?

I know the difference. I have had that experience.

I know which one to SEEK, and to APPRECIATE.

So, yes, it has been some of my experience, but it is the ONLY one which motivates me, even if I bump into some accidents along the way. You seem intelligent enough not to incite me to shame in the morning.

You seem to have a large heart hiding under a thin veil of cynical Kevlar [even though it is thin, and I can see your heart through it, I did not mean to imply by "thin" that it could be easily pierced to reach the real emotion that you turn black with sarcasm before you let it out to the world].

So, laugh, hyena lady. :)

I think he is trying to appear to be Deep now... I for one, am not fooled.

"I'm sure being a generous lover was also part of your elaborate ruse. It's all falling into place. You may have seemed responsive to my desires and sensitive to my needs, but all the while, you were just manipulating me into participating in mutually satisfying intercourse."

So "Shallow Hal", is one of your friends helping you write your emails now or did you get that line out of a book? You are starting to sound like a girl

Subject: #1 reply to "sounding like a girl"

Look, I AM extremely sensitive, empathetic, and communicative. I also have the capacity for "war" and have made it physically in fights and by analogy in labor disputes and legal disputes.

But, yes, I'm a "macho-girl" with a penis and a man's face.

I'm only truly happy when I have a deep, loving, and communicative relationship, but I need a woman who is "strong" enough that I feel she is "giving" me her submission, and NOT that she has no other choice.

This desire for "freely given submission" in exchange for my utter loyalty did not work well for God, vis-a-vis Adam and Eve, and so the true depth of my folly should be palpable to all.

I AM the real thing. I KNOW women think they need to choose between wimpy poets and macho assholes, but I'm BOTH with some of the bad characteristics of each knocked off. I'm not perfect, but I'm about as good as it can get for an intelligent, strong-willed woman, who also wants to be a FEMALE, respected by day, given many forms of "equality" in the relationship, talked to, loved, and mastered by night by a MALE.

But, yes, I have the "female" quality of preferring love above all, of enjoying hours of sex with no need to orgasm [and yes, I getted NAGGED to cum, just like the cliche man nags the cliche woman!], and of needing to know your thoughts, talk, and to share mine.

oh my God
he's writing and/or plagiarizing soft-core novels now

I apologize for a glib response to a convoluted letter, however, you are barking up the wrong tree darlin as I do not get along with touchy-feely type people. They are far too emotional and I tend to make them cry.

Good luck in your endeavors with other women though. I'm not buying it.

Have a good weekend, oh ye of see-through Kevlar.

Have a good weekend as well, oh ye in need o' Lithium.

So thhaaaaaaaaaaatt's your name. ;)

What the fuck is he talking about?
Oh, I get it he thinks my name is Lithium

very clever.. 1st time for everything.

Subject:Good grief, you idiot

I would "make" you strip for a room full of men, then spank you for being such a slut for doing it, and then throw you on all fours and fuck you for a couple of hours while you kept sucking them off ...

only LATER would I cuddle and talk to you about it, and then lick you in the morning if you needed an orgasm or two "upon reflection" of your rough night.

You are such a dumb bitch... to PRETEND to not know what kind of man I am.

Silly girl!
:)

that does it I'm switching to women

Subject:Good grief, you idiot Now here I am thinking that you wouldn't "make" me do anything and as far as "PRETENDING" goes I would like to "PRETEND" that your little fantasy stays in your misguided delusional mind.

Please seek professional help. I beg you.

Subject:Good grief, you idiot

Of course the "make" is pretend with prior mutual consent and massive understanding.
No woman who has played out that game, under my guidance of course, has not had a wonderful time.
And I can find women for you to "switch" if you like. ;)

I appreciate your offer to find me a woman and I am sure you think you are a stallion but may I reiterate, "Not the slightest bit interested"

later Lithium,

Subject:YOUR 1st time

By which I mean you have first detected the cleverness among the 100's of clevernesses I have sent your way.

Apparently the standards by which you and I gauge cleverness varies considerably.

Subject: Hi, See Through Kevlar Lady, aka "Lithium"

Dear Lithium K,
Yes, you wondered if I could "really be" and I am. But wait! Why not retreat to artificial constructs... first throw me into the short Procrustean Bed, and chop me off, and then throw me into the long Procrustean Bed and call me too short. But wait! You KNOW better, unconsciously.

Better to flip your conscious thoughts and your unconscious....

Good morning.

I do not think it would be your legs that would endure the edge of my axe.

Good day.

Subject:Welcome back

I'm glad your job is fulfilling. At least not everything is rotten and lost.

Absolutely no idea what he is talking about here

So do you have a real job or are you a loser? Wait a minute... never mind I think I figured it out.

Subject:Re: Hi, See Through Kevlar Lady, aka "Lithium"/#1 mid-day reply

I have yet to read the other no-doubt endearing comments which await me, but I must confess that my penis does NOT hang past my feet, nor even past my knees.

Sorry if that is a deal-buster...

It is. Perhaps hedge clippers would do the trick then.

Subject:YOUR 1st time/mid-day#2

I have written a childrens story about your perspicacity:

The Princess and the Watermelon. Subtitled: Peas, potatoes and other undetected vegetables...

Once again....Christ

I have also composed a short essay titled...

The Ass Online.. Subtitled: Jeffro gets a pc

That your interest is more than slight is good enough for me.

Subject: Jethro?

Is "jeffro" like "jethro" only with a lisp from some
savage oral sex damage?

yes..yes it is and shame on your mama.

Subject: Hedge

I have no "hedge"... I shave ;)

My sister Di would like you then.
I prefer Neanderthal types..
they function on a base level
and never point out
spelling or grammatical errors.

Which, by the way, I consider a flaw.

Subject: job

I have my JD and am admitted to the BAR,
but do not practice.

Well then, I am impressed.
But I'm at that impressionable age you know....

the child bearing years.

I've been admitted but I do not take my medication.

Look, I'm a great guy, and a great catch, and I need a pseudo-hard-hearted, soft-hearted woman, who can handle my horrible black view of man and the universe and my ceaseless passion and foolish lovingness.

I just keep writing you "in case" you actually are in contact with the inside of your pseudo- black heart.

I'm truly dying from lack of love, and, in all self-mockery, I know that lack of love is lacking SOMEONE to love...[and I need enough love and partnership back that I don't feel like an idiot for loving so completely].

That's all. Thanks for writing. I've been too honest and made myself sad.

BUT, as with you, I can pretend I'm not with a wise-ass retort!

Please see earlier email regarding touchy-feely.
HONEST???

"When David said: 'All men are liars,'
Dave, himself a liar,
fibbed like any thief.
For reason shows that it could never be,
And the facts contradict him to his face.
Men are not liars all, for some are dead.

Bartle Quinker"

Subject: Jethro?? Jeffro was a PRONUNCIATION error, and
therefore I must remain "unflawed." ;)

Wrong again. I can pronounce Jethro..
just can't spell it so my initial
assessment that you are flawed stands.

You licked my mama???
And to think I was beating my father...

One would think that a little respect is due
somewhat to your parents as bad as their parenting
skills go, what with raising a child with no
manners and all.

I know it doesn't seem possible,
but you have lowered my opinion of you yet again.

Subject: Jethro?

I guess I made you giggle...
Wench!

Not hard to do as I am easily entertained.

Wench is certainly classier than the

"Cum Gargling Whore" normally yelled across the bar at me.

Subject: Logic

Ah so. Beri lawgicle grwasshopper.

My moma dontnot raze any no dum bloonds ya no.

Subject: Touchy

Let me get touchy and see what you feelie.

I hope you like European style women then.

Subject: Touchy

European style women are twig-girls.

If you mean "hairy" well...

If that is your self-portrait, then you need a LOT more inner-beauty than you have shown me! :)

Actually that is a bad picture of me.
I look "a lot" better with makeup on.
Also I've lost some weight since that picture was taken. I've been working out and lifting weights. Why I could pop your head like a festering boil with my vice like thighs if I had a mind to.

Subject: Logic

Egg implant AND sperm donor???

This is one example you undoubtedly included in your "100's of clevernesses" where, in fact, it is just something stupid people say.

Subject: Gargle? Well, let me nibble your nether regions if you are such a slut... the least I can do is thank you on behalf of men who cum everywhere. (Alas, I cannot orgasm, and so I just have sex like some eternal hard kiss, until my lover is ready to stop...)

As you extol your virtues I cannot help but point out the irony of the fact that a so called "Catch" you seem to think you are, will and always will be disregarded by the "Slut that I am".

And may I further point out, if you saw some the the crap I've had the misfortune to know, you would be investing in a plastic cover for your keyboard.

Subject: garglable?

Hi... :)

the face has been changed to protect the ignorant

No.

And may I reiterate, "Not the slightest bit interested"

Perhaps I should type slower so you can understand.

Subject: Good Morning

Just a hello. Hello.

Good morning Alan.

Subject:life

Even if you typed "more slowly" I would know better.

:)

I will try to use words with just one syllable then.
"No chance in Hell Ape Man"

Subject: I like sluts

I LIKE having my very own slut.

I'm confused here....are you sending me a picture
of your slut or your sluts slut?
You all look the same in the dark to me honey.

Subject: Thanks

for a look at your black heart. :)

Here is my harem...

Apparently he really likes this picture..

They all look like men... perhaps this link would help

Gay.com only $4.95!

Hey, but then so do you.

Be well! :) I give up on you. You "win" by losing.

I just can't seem keep a man.
Was it something I said?

Prev ~ Next ~ 1st ~ Last

July 09, 2003
Adventures in Online Dating

On the market yet again.

Are you tired of spending all your hard earned money on ungrateful bimbos? Well, dear sir (or sirs) your problem could be rectified with a single email. That's right, why bother with the so called "Beautiful People" when we all know that they all look the same in the dark.

Wont be single very much longer.
Gender:	Female
Looking for:	Just Dating
Marital Status:	Single
Hair:	Blonde hair
Eyes:	green eyes
Body Type:	5' 4'', Average
Smoking:	Doesn't smoke cigarettes
Drinking:	Drinks often
Kids:	No kids
Wants Kids:	doesn't want any
More about me: Are you looking for a wild and crazy beautiful young woman? Well the crazy part is right. Skier with hot tub preferable but would consider someone who likes to dance and fix things. Not serious, just dating. More about my match: A man that knows what he wants and isn't afraid to beg for it. Had to reinstate the No Loser Policy after the last one. So...If you happen to be a loser please do not respond. Thank you.

The Response

Meet Alan

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: alan
To: onthemarketyetagain
Subject: Re: Wont be single very much longer..
That is sooooo funny! If you are within 20 pounds of anorexic, let's marry!

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: onthemarketyetagain
To: alan
Subject: Re: Wont be single very much longer..
What's funny? My great uncle Darrel
Told me when I was 21 that he would crawl
From Ladora, Iowa to Washington State on his hands and knees if I got married because he did not believe there was a man stupid enough on the planet to marry me.. Are you stupid?

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: alan
To: onthemarketyetagain
Subject: Wrong question
The question is NOT the one you asked. You asked: "Are you stupid?" THE REAL QUESTION IS: "Are you stupid enough to marry me?" Yes. ;) I'm handsome, fit, literate, and highly educated. But all I need is for you
To squeal like a pig when told to. (Oh yeah, if you have read a book that would be good, too.)

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: onthemarketyetagain
To: alan
Subject: Re: Wrong question
Sorry, I'm not looking for a husband...just dating at the current moment and I never do what I'm told but I have been know to "squeal" on occasions. Not sure we would get along there bud.

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From:alan
To: onthemarketyetagain
Subject: #2
I admit I'm hoping for the frog-in
To-princess-thing. The last woman I dated who looked like you lied a bit about that process. After two years of kissing her, nothing transformational occurred... and I suppose I don't need to tell you which set of lips she set me to kissing.

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: onthemarketyetagain
To:alan
Subject: Re: #2
frog-into-princess-thing? How old are you? I think you need to be doubling up on the meds pal.

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From:alan
To: onthemarketyetagain
Subject: Re: Wrong question
If you give me your email I'll send a photo to show you that while I'm your age chronogically, due to a self-discipline in pursuit of mental and physical development, I have the wisdom of the ages packed into a youthful body.

Date: Mon, 24 Feb
From: onthemarketyetagain
To:alan
Subject: Re: Wrong question
My email address is ***@###.com but I really don't see the point as you are already pissing me off.

Subject:How can I "piss you off" when you don't know me????

I'm passionate passion nut. :)
Are you a "board" ho??? Is that Knotty?
Are you a boredout ho?
Or are you just a "bored" ho?

Subject: phantom rag day
I thought you were going
To send me pictures so I could see how attractive you are? but I'm telling you before I see them that I do not think we would get along.

Well, then I'm going to hide my face!

As well he should...

You are a fine stud all right. So what do you do for fun?

:) Spank sassy ladies ...

Indeed. Young man I think you are being most bold.

I AM bold ;)

Subject: love to hate
That is why you think we would "Not get along." You would love to hate me, and hate that you loved me. ;)

Get aload of that crap..

Wrong. I just don't think I'm your type... also I perfer hunky stupid construction guys.

Perfer, eh? Thawt huwlbulli tawk yer tryin' ta purfekt ain't reawlly plawzubel.

yea yea.. we just had a fire drill and I hit the send button.. Go to hell.

Send me a face or a body photo, please... Or, lordy, BOTH. ;)

I believe it would take the fun out of it so you are just going to have to guess

I can make you stupid with passion, and then you won't know how smart I am.

Stupid enough to marry you?... I think not.

Subject: You just have no idea. :)
You really do NOT know what you bumped into with me, and you ONLY "caught" me because of your outrageous ad.

There is NO man who is more fun, on any dimension, than am I.

None who are more stimulating, to EITHER end of your spine.

And once you were with me, you could hump your construction types all day long, and I would not care, because you WOULD be coming home to me.

That's the truth. ;)

It has been my experience that most men think they are the best thing since opposable thumbs, this (sad to say) is not the case. Rest assured that you would never be more than a walking talking dildo to me.

Actually, I just wanted to know who the heck would send such an ad.

I found a great person a while back and would not cheat on her, even though we are just starting out and she is still seeing other men once in a while.

So, good luck with your construction boys.

I would like to know the person who ran such a photo and such an ad. Very funny.

However, I AM an incredible ball of passion and sexual competence, but you won't ever know that if all works out.

Thanks for the laughs.

fair enough... although as this is my play ad.. I do not give out photos or personal information... but I'm sure if you would do the slightest bit of research you could find my real ad.

Just for the record, I currently am seeing someone as well .... just looking to supplement and/or upgrade.

I'm seriously fun, but seriously kinky.

I need a woman who can tolerate my intensity of conditioning body and mind, my wild, hot passion, both sexual and romantic, and the fact that I'm not happy unless I "own my own whore" who is loyal when I tell her, and endures gangbangs when I tell her to...

If I can possess her sexuality, then she can possess mine in the sense of my fidelity, but I'm "equal" or "dominant" in sex, always sensual and imaginative, but never submissive.

I give a lot, but, for the wrong person, "demand" a lot. For the right person, I'm a heaven of wit, intelligence, passion, and sex.

Christ

Since I find you intolerable online, I do not think it would change in real life there darlin.

I really do not "use" this medium, and so searching for your "real" ad would be possibly difficult -- do I look under the same age???

Since I'm a web neophyte, I would appreciate a clue. I only replied to yours because it was hilarious, and I immediately wanted to wine, dine, spank, and fuck the woman who put that ad up there.

Apparently you are not quite as smart as you think you are.

Subject: You just have no idea. :)

You can wish this to be true. :)

I have sat behind the whorehouse, smoking and reading, waiting for the hot twats to come to me to get some relief before going back to mock-groan for money -- just likes wives, but with more efficiency.

You just don't know.

I do know... and I am taking a pass on it bud.

As the walking, talking dildo... most men can't walk OR talk and be a dildo at the same time, so I feel complimented.

As for "supplement"...does he know you are supplementing, or would I have to be the "other man" again?

My partner is expecting "no supplementation" on my part, and even though we have not made a really permanent agreement, I would not "supplement" without her agreement.

I would like to see the real face of such a jokester, though.

Also, was your Steve-buddy [the photo you sent] a good fuck? If so, what made it actually good?

It is not meant to be a compliment..see I think you are really confused and/or stupid.

Does it really matter what I tell the current dumbass? No it does not.

I'm relatively sure you will never have to tell your partner about me as I do not plan on ever seeing you.

As I've said I do not send out personal information on the internet. What part of that did you not understand?

I did not "fuck" Steve so I would not know if he is good or not. Did you want me to set you up with him?

Subject: But how fun are you, really?

At least send me a photo of your smiling eyes...

You are so cute when you are incoherent with rage.

You have sent so many "not you" photos that I honestly really would like to know if those are your eyes. I DID like your humor quite a bit...

Those eyes are just too compelling. I don't think they can be yours anymore than the monkeyass was you...

well then we will leave him with the last word.

What you tell the "current dumbass?"
I'm sorry that you have not found a man you can respect, yet, after all these years.

What the Hell?

In our family, "Dumbass" is a term of endearment when applied to men. Now had I called him a "Stupid dumbass" ....

I have found plenty of men I can respect, however I do not respect them in the morning.

Subject:Respecting in the morning IS the only respect that counts....

Geez, woman, the best sex IS with a man that you respect "in the morning" AND that you respect YOURSELF for fucking.

This guy is unreal..

Oh really, has this been your experience?

I know the difference. I have had that experience.

I know which one to SEEK, and to APPRECIATE.

So, yes, it has been some of my experience, but it is the ONLY one which motivates me, even if I bump into some accidents along the way. You seem intelligent enough not to incite me to shame in the morning.

You seem to have a large heart hiding under a thin veil of cynical Kevlar [even though it is thin, and I can see your heart through it, I did not mean to imply by "thin" that it could be easily pierced to reach the real emotion that you turn black with sarcasm before you let it out to the world].

So, laugh, hyena lady. :)

I think he is trying to appear to be Deep now... I for one, am not fooled.

"I'm sure being a generous lover was also part of your elaborate ruse. It's all falling into place. You may have seemed responsive to my desires and sensitive to my needs, but all the while, you were just manipulating me into participating in mutually satisfying intercourse."

So "Shallow Hal", is one of your friends helping you write your emails now or did you get that line out of a book? You are starting to sound like a girl

Subject: #1 reply to "sounding like a girl"

Look, I AM extremely sensitive, empathetic, and communicative. I also have the capacity for "war" and have made it physically in fights and by analogy in labor disputes and legal disputes.

But, yes, I'm a "macho-girl" with a penis and a man's face.

I'm only truly happy when I have a deep, loving, and communicative relationship, but I need a woman who is "strong" enough that I feel she is "giving" me her submission, and NOT that she has no other choice.

This desire for "freely given submission" in exchange for my utter loyalty did not work well for God, vis-a-vis Adam and Eve, and so the true depth of my folly should be palpable to all.

I AM the real thing. I KNOW women think they need to choose between wimpy poets and macho assholes, but I'm BOTH with some of the bad characteristics of each knocked off. I'm not perfect, but I'm about as good as it can get for an intelligent, strong-willed woman, who also wants to be a FEMALE, respected by day, given many forms of "equality" in the relationship, talked to, loved, and mastered by night by a MALE.

But, yes, I have the "female" quality of preferring love above all, of enjoying hours of sex with no need to orgasm [and yes, I getted NAGGED to cum, just like the cliche man nags the cliche woman!], and of needing to know your thoughts, talk, and to share mine.

oh my God
he's writing and/or plagiarizing soft-core novels now

I apologize for a glib response to a convoluted letter, however, you are barking up the wrong tree darlin as I do not get along with touchy-feely type people. They are far too emotional and I tend to make them cry.

Good luck in your endeavors with other women though. I'm not buying it.

Have a good weekend, oh ye of see-through Kevlar.

Have a good weekend as well, oh ye in need o' Lithium.

So thhaaaaaaaaaaatt's your name. ;)

What the fuck is he talking about?
Oh, I get it he thinks my name is Lithium

very clever.. 1st time for everything.

Subject:Good grief, you idiot

I would "make" you strip for a room full of men, then spank you for being such a slut for doing it, and then throw you on all fours and fuck you for a couple of hours while you kept sucking them off ...

only LATER would I cuddle and talk to you about it, and then lick you in the morning if you needed an orgasm or two "upon reflection" of your rough night.

You are such a dumb bitch... to PRETEND to not know what kind of man I am.

Silly girl!
:)

that does it I'm switching to women

Subject:Good grief, you idiot Now here I am thinking that you wouldn't "make" me do anything and as far as "PRETENDING" goes I would like to "PRETEND" that your little fantasy stays in your misguided delusional mind.

Please seek professional help. I beg you.

Subject:Good grief, you idiot

Of course the "make" is pretend with prior mutual consent and massive understanding.
No woman who has played out that game, under my guidance of course, has not had a wonderful time.
And I can find women for you to "switch" if you like. ;)

I appreciate your offer to find me a woman and I am sure you think you are a stallion but may I reiterate, "Not the slightest bit interested"

later Lithium,

Subject:YOUR 1st time

By which I mean you have first detected the cleverness among the 100's of clevernesses I have sent your way.

Apparently the standards by which you and I gauge cleverness varies considerably.

Subject: Hi, See Through Kevlar Lady, aka "Lithium"

Dear Lithium K,
Yes, you wondered if I could "really be" and I am. But wait! Why not retreat to artificial constructs... first throw me into the short Procrustean Bed, and chop me off, and then throw me into the long Procrustean Bed and call me too short. But wait! You KNOW better, unconsciously.

Better to flip your conscious thoughts and your unconscious....

Good morning.

I do not think it would be your legs that would endure the edge of my axe.

Good day.

Subject:Welcome back

I'm glad your job is fulfilling. At least not everything is rotten and lost.

Absolutely no idea what he is talking about here

So do you have a real job or are you a loser? Wait a minute... never mind I think I figured it out.

Subject:Re: Hi, See Through Kevlar Lady, aka "Lithium"/#1 mid-day reply

I have yet to read the other no-doubt endearing comments which await me, but I must confess that my penis does NOT hang past my feet, nor even past my knees.

Sorry if that is a deal-buster...

It is. Perhaps hedge clippers would do the trick then.

Subject:YOUR 1st time/mid-day#2

I have written a childrens story about your perspicacity:

The Princess and the Watermelon. Subtitled: Peas, potatoes and other undetected vegetables...

Once again....Christ

I have also composed a short essay titled...

The Ass Online.. Subtitled: Jeffro gets a pc

That your interest is more than slight is good enough for me.

Subject: Jethro?

Is "jeffro" like "jethro" only with a lisp from some
savage oral sex damage?

yes..yes it is and shame on your mama.

Subject: Hedge

I have no "hedge"... I shave ;)

My sister Di would like you then.
I prefer Neanderthal types..
they function on a base level
and never point out
spelling or grammatical errors.

Which, by the way, I consider a flaw.

Subject: job

I have my JD and am admitted to the BAR,
but do not practice.

Well then, I am impressed.
But I'm at that impressionable age you know....

the child bearing years.

I've been admitted but I do not take my medication.

Look, I'm a great guy, and a great catch, and I need a pseudo-hard-hearted, soft-hearted woman, who can handle my horrible black view of man and the universe and my ceaseless passion and foolish lovingness.

I just keep writing you "in case" you actually are in contact with the inside of your pseudo- black heart.

I'm truly dying from lack of love, and, in all self-mockery, I know that lack of love is lacking SOMEONE to love...[and I need enough love and partnership back that I don't feel like an idiot for loving so completely].

That's all. Thanks for writing. I've been too honest and made myself sad.

BUT, as with you, I can pretend I'm not with a wise-ass retort!

Please see earlier email regarding touchy-feely.
HONEST???

"When David said: 'All men are liars,'
Dave, himself a liar,
fibbed like any thief.
For reason shows that it could never be,
And the facts contradict him to his face.
Men are not liars all, for some are dead.

Bartle Quinker"

Subject: Jethro?? Jeffro was a PRONUNCIATION error, and
therefore I must remain "unflawed." ;)

Wrong again. I can pronounce Jethro..
just can't spell it so my initial
assessment that you are flawed stands.

You licked my mama???
And to think I was beating my father...

One would think that a little respect is due
somewhat to your parents as bad as their parenting
skills go, what with raising a child with no
manners and all.

I know it doesn't seem possible,
but you have lowered my opinion of you yet again.

Subject: Jethro?

I guess I made you giggle...
Wench!

Not hard to do as I am easily entertained.

Wench is certainly classier than the

"Cum Gargling Whore" normally yelled across the bar at me.

Subject: Logic

Ah so. Beri lawgicle grwasshopper.

My moma dontnot raze any no dum bloonds ya no.

Subject: Touchy

Let me get touchy and see what you feelie.

I hope you like European style women then.

Subject: Touchy

European style women are twig-girls.

If you mean "hairy" well...

If that is your self-portrait, then you need a LOT more inner-beauty than you have shown me! :)

Actually that is a bad picture of me.
I look "a lot" better with makeup on.
Also I've lost some weight since that picture was taken. I've been working out and lifting weights. Why I could pop your head like a festering boil with my vice like thighs if I had a mind to.

Subject: Logic

Egg implant AND sperm donor???

This is one example you undoubtedly included in your "100's of clevernesses" where, in fact, it is just something stupid people say.

Subject: Gargle? Well, let me nibble your nether regions if you are such a slut... the least I can do is thank you on behalf of men who cum everywhere. (Alas, I cannot orgasm, and so I just have sex like some eternal hard kiss, until my lover is ready to stop...)

As you extol your virtues I cannot help but point out the irony of the fact that a so called "Catch" you seem to think you are, will and always will be disregarded by the "Slut that I am".

And may I further point out, if you saw some the the crap I've had the misfortune to know, you would be investing in a plastic cover for your keyboard.

Subject: garglable?

Hi... :)

the face has been changed to protect the ignorant

No.

And may I reiterate, "Not the slightest bit interested"

Perhaps I should type slower so you can understand.

Subject: Good Morning

Just a hello. Hello.

Good morning Alan.

Subject:life

Even if you typed "more slowly" I would know better.

:)

I will try to use words with just one syllable then.
"No chance in Hell Ape Man"

Subject: I like sluts

I LIKE having my very own slut.

I'm confused here....are you sending me a picture
of your slut or your sluts slut?
You all look the same in the dark to me honey.

Subject: Thanks

for a look at your black heart. :)

Here is my harem...

Apparently he really likes this picture..

They all look like men... perhaps this link would help

Gay.com only $4.95!

Hey, but then so do you.

Be well! :) I give up on you. You "win" by losing.

I just can't seem keep a man.
Was it something I said?